Jones' Corner

Black or Brown?

2004-04-01T12:30:00.000+01:00

◄ OUT WITH THIS... ...IN WITH THIS! ►

The wave of goth inspired "fashion" that swept through Dublin since the 1990's has been an influence on thousands of wrist-slitting, middle-class, private schools kids. They now feel that it is in someway their duty to be moody killjoys and hang around the Central Bank in Temple Bar talking idly about anarchy.

This whole trend can be blamed upon crappy goth bands, who have lame-ass names that sound like the titles of b-movie horrors. They seem to have no control over the distortion knobs on their amplifiers and as a result, have 8 layers of inaudible static on all their rhythm guitar tracks. Their vocals sound like the aliens out of Doom 3d or some other nerdy "shoot em up" computer game.

The worst visible consequence of this anti-movement however is the insistence of all those who aspire to be goths in wearing no colour apart from black. In addition, they ensure that the clothes they wear are completely shapeless. These clothes are are extremely unsympathetic to the female figure and are unappealing in general.

So I suggest that brown should be the new black! Out with black combats and in with brown velvet pants. Out with black Slipknot hoodies and in with brown fishermen's smocks. Out with black, greasy, mingin' hair and in with brown mod cuts. Out with black shades and in with brown aviators.

Hear this advice young hipsters, or the consequences could be dire!

Song of the Month - Rip this Joint!

2004-04-01T12:28:00.000+01:00

My favourite song this month, even though it was released in 1972, is Rip This Joint by the The Rolling Stones. This song is two and a half minutes of Mick Jagger yelling completely inaudible lyrics to a backing track of jangling electric guitar and sax solos.

This is the perfect song to get you fired up because it is so fast and has so much energy. The whole album is classic Stones and is a must for anyone who wants to be a rock n' roll animal.

◄ Mick Jagger - Interesting choice of outfit

Film of The Month - Psychomania!

2004-04-01T12:25:00.000+01:00

My film of the month has to be "Psychomania" which is a low-budget English futuristic thriller starring nobody you've ever heard of. I choose this film mainly because the plot and special effects are so lame you can't help but laugh, and for the soundtrack, which features wah-wah-heavy electric guitar and plenty of cheesy organ.

That's what I call a futuristic haircut! ►

The main storyline, not that it matters, is that a teenage leader of a local motorbike gang goes into a magic room in his house where he learns the secret of becoming immortal. All he has to do is kill himself believing that he wants to die, to come back to life stronger than ever. This leads him and his fellow gang members to commit suicide in strange and elaborate ways (often involving motorbikes) and come back to life immortal, to wreak havoc on the British establishment.

Despite the fact that this film is supposed to be set in the future it bears a remarkable resemblance to 1971. The only thing that seems to have changed in this conception of the future is that all the principle characters seem to travel everywhere (including indoors) on Honda 60 motorbikes. It's funny because these bikes would usually be more associated with couriers or postmen rather than vicious gangs.

One scene shows the gang driving past a building site and ruthlessly kicking over all of the builders cones. There is also a member of the gang who drives around with an acoustic guitar on his back and sings folk songs that sound like Donavan. All in all this movie is a gem which is not to be missed.

◄ Check out this for a scary gang outfit!

Some call me faggot...

2004-04-01T12:04:00.000+01:00

And rightly so! The Michaels regularly use the term homosexual when they are not referring to sexual orientation. When theGENERAL utters the words ho-mo-sexual, he is actually often referring to a sociological concept. So how can you tell how "gay" you really are? For this purpose the Michaels have devised a gay formula, as follows:

gayness = { ( Your perception of what other people want/expect from you ) minus ( What other people actually want/expect from you ) }

A general rule of thumb is, to avoid being gay try to be as unpretentious as possible and not to look for the approval or acceptance of others.

CAUTION: Often within many level headed people there is a flaming homo trying to get out (see right).